Your story must start with “Today,” and end with “FML”. FML, Today, I downloaded an application that notifies me when my phone is fully charged. And I am very productive. To buy gas for her car. Today, I noticed that I'm way more productive when I'm drinking than when I'm not. FML, Today, I decided to surprise my parents who I haven’t seen in a while. It went quite well, until dessert came and he started telling me why bestiality "isn't really so wrong, you know?" Then, just to be sure, they went back and did it again. He's now playing video games in bed and pissing in a bucket because walking is "too painful". I hate to cook. ? FML, Today, I overheard my mother telling a friend she got me oven mitts for Christmas. Then she said : "If only you were gay, we'd be perfect for each other." (Seriously, a room temperature of around 77 degrees can make you more productive — Cornell says so. Most days of the week I start drinking around 8am. She responded : "Well I am still not attracted to you though." FML, Today, I accidentally threw a glass of iced tea in my own face, because the restaurant I'd patronized for over a decade switched from heavy glass mugs to identical light-as-a-feather plastic mugs. That said, it might be a good idea to wait until you sober up before you actually hit “send” on any emails or file any reports. And if you’re a die-hard procrastinator, a little bit of inhibition-busting alcohol could be just the thing to get you back to work. And that's the only positive opinion I have in regards to alcohol. never said I was basing anything on opinion. FML, Today, I was walking down the stairs holding a glass of water, when I tripped. Posted by 3 years ago. I got run over by the car door. Download the app for iOS. Help! Looks like I'm still single. secret? Who doesn’t dread those mandatory meetings where lots of ideas get kicked around, but little or nothing actually gets done? Close. Ever have one of those projects that just… wouldn’t… end? Looks like you found the secret to your productivity. I have no interest in falling over drunk or losing my inhibitions. FML, Today, I was accused of shop-lifting by an old lady in a supermarket. When I told them to go ahead, they bitched me out for being disrespectful. 45 Comments. FML, Today, I bought a new bra and panties and modeled them for my boyfriend. I nearly wet myself. Which she knows. I’ve always been somewhat lazy, and a procrastinator in my personal life. Hope you'll find a way to work around it!! FML, Today, I walked out halfway through a much anticipated dick appointment because it became apparent that he thought my clit was located somewhere on my upper thigh. So you’ve tried all the proven productivity hacks: You’ve used a Pomodoro timer to keep yourself on task, taken breaks, and meditated for all you’re worth. you may be more productive but the quality of your work probably sucks. I came an inch away from causing my son to need his own funeral. When I went to my old room to put down my bags, I was greeted by a sex swing. It turned into a long, squeaky fart in front of everyone. and those who decide to do something "productive" usually fuck up what they're trying to do. FML, Today, it was safe to say I started sleepwalking again, after I woke up with a mouth filled with soil and a ravaged plant. Make sure you don't become dependent on the alcohol, OP. I don't think so. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. Feel like sharing it with the other FML users? You're better off being adequate than an alcoholic. You must be logged in to be able to post comments! FML, Today, my boss was telling everyone his mother recently passed away and he'll be off work for a while. We volunteer as tribute for the next study. During her last two pregnancies, she craved pop-tarts and screamed bloody murder at the drop of a hat, so I went out and bought a box for her. I think I just figured out why I'm related to so many alcoholics. FML, Today, I parked my truck next to a rather large SUV at school, went to class for 8 hours straight, came back and found my passenger side door crumpled from where they had backed out and hit it. I wasted $3 for someone else to eat my food. Don't use this as an "excuse" to descend into alcoholism. After I politely apologized she said, "Watch your step, asshole." Aw shit. Thank you, your FML was submitted it will appear in moderation soon ! 3. When traditional productivity methods just won’t get it done any sooner, the only logical option is to extend your lifespan in hopes of outliving the project. Furthermore, it’s not possible to obtain badges by posting keywords, so stop believing things you’ve read on message boards. #29 opinions are like a**holes, everybody's got one. He texted back, "Ewwwww." When we’re on the phone with someone, we can only hear their voice and not really see them and therefore there are simply less data points that could possibly distract you. Thus my response fits in since its a bad habit that becomes addictive just as easy. More intelligent people are more likely to binge drink and get drunk. Some of the greatest people in the world were functional alcoholics, so I guess that's the silver lining. Hell, I stopped playing PC games because I was always drinking while gaming. I know a lot of people that are more reproductive when drunk, I wonder if that's what OP really meant. And yet you’re still stuck, trapped with a desk full of work that just has to get done. FML, Today, while on break from work, I went to the cafeteria and bought cheese cubes. The University of Illinois has our back on this one. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Saucey Merges With Cannabis Delivery Service, Emjay, 10 Thanksgiving Cocktails To Help You Ignore Uncle Ray Chewing With His Mouth Open On FaceTime, Your Guide To Understanding Different Types Of Tequila, Best Pumpkin Cocktails to Enjoy this Fall. Well, get productive while sober. It was empty but I was thirsty so I picked it up thinking I could try to get that little bit of Coke always left at the bottom. No, sir, I certainly did not. Belvedere Vs. Grey Goose: Which Is Better? There's a reason why so many of the great artists were alcoholics. A couple of hours later, I woke up to a man's voice screaming, "I can't take it anymore!" FML, Today, my son and I attended the funeral of a family friend. Productivity Why 11 a.m. Coffee Makes You More Productive Pushing my cup of joe closer to lunchtime did wonders for my day - and science now backs it up. Tweet Share Health Broken bum Insane parents QAnon weirdoes By The Drew - United States . FML, Today, while at work, a man grabbed my beard, said it was impressive, and then uttered the words, "I love you." We have the solution: Your choice of alcohol, delivered straight to your door in 30 minutes or less by Saucey.